I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
