i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize