He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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