My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize