My Higher Power is John Stamos
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
