I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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