Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
