went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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