Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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