she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
