i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize