just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
