I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
