My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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