where am i from again
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
