You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
