clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
