You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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