Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
