While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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