The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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