I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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