How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
