The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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