When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize