Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
