In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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