I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
