Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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