May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
