Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
