Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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