listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
