I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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