Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
