note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
