This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
