I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
