i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
