after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
