yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
