I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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