and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
