Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
