Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
