I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
