Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
