and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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