I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
