u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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