dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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