Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
