i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
