Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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