Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
