I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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