i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
