I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
