bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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