Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
