two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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