is your mom at the bar?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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