can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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