I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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