I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
