I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
