All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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